Guard Your Heart

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The topic of discussion today on the christian radio station I was listening to was guarding your heart. Oftentimes I don't think people take this issue seriously, especially women. We can be very vulnerable at times and those opportunities can be exploited by someone who does not have our best interests at heart. 

I'm not talking about courtship or purity in this instance. I'm aiming this discussion at women in any type of romantic relationship but in particular to those who are married. 

I'm sure you remember the blush of first love when your man could do no wrong. You loved all those little quirky things about him. That is what made him special and what helped you fall in love with him. Fast forward a few years. Your love has become almost rote. You live in the day-to-day dealings of raising children, taking care of the house, paying the bills, doing the laundry, getting the groceries, and the list goes on and on. You begin to become annoyed by all those quirky things that no longer seem so endearing. You begin to focus on all the things that get under your skin rather than the things you love about your spouse. 

Then one day you are at the gym. It's the only time you have for yourself after all. You notice the man on the treadmill next to you watching the same show as you so you strike up a conversation. Soon you are looking forward to those gym days more than ever - not for the workout - but to see if your "friend" will be there so you can talk. He's so much fun after all and he understands you so well. See where this is headed? 

Proverbs 4:23-27 

Above all else, guard your heart,

for everything you do flows from it. 

Keep your mouth free of perversity;

keep corrupt talk from your lips.

Let your eyes look straight ahead;

fix your gaze directly before you.

Give careful thought to the paths for your feet

and be steadfast in all your ways.

Do not turn to the right or the left;

keep your foot from evil.

We are called to keep our focus on God. "Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you." By beginning a relationship with the man at the gym, you are setting yourself up to fall hard and fast and not in a good way. Women are very susceptible to "emotional affairs" where they seek out affirmation and companionship from another person. As I mentioned in a previous post, women need to feel loved. If they don't feel that at home, they will look for it elsewhere. It may never become physical, but even an emotional affair can have lasting damage. 

Do not seek out affirmation of your marriage outside of your marriage. Look to your husband. Work on that relationship. Marriage is work. It's worth it. No one ever promised it was easy and if they did, they lied!

Here's another scenario for you. You are out to dinner with some girlfriends. One of them, newly married, begins to complain about all the things her husband is doing wrong. Soon another chimes in with her list of complaints and before you know it, everyone at the table seems to be trying to one up the other in how badly their husbands treat them. 

You need to be careful about tearing your husband down in public. "Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk from your lips." Be the one who doesn't say anything negative about your husband while with a group of friends. In fact, be the one who praises him. Share something good instead. 

One thing I have noticed over time is that when you focus on the negative that is all you will see. If you focus on the positive, you will begin to see that more instead. If you can't seem to remember why on earth you ever married this person sharing a house with you, pull out your wedding album. Write a list of all the things you love about him. What made you fall in love with him? Keep it handy and refer to it as often as you need to so that that positive begins to overtake the negative. 

The heart you gave to your husband on your wedding day is his and his alone. It's your job to keep it safe for him. 

Lisa is a wife to Bob. They just began their 21st year of marriage. She is also a mom to three boys (ironic, no?). Her oldest will soon be 18 but still has one more year at home. Her middle son is 13 and her youngest is 10. She also stays busy by homeschooling her children and watching a two-year old (a boy of course) full-time as well as other assorted children as the need arises for family and friends. She is very active in her local and state homeschooling community. She is also a very avid reader, enjoys writing, loves dancing at Zumba class, and checking Facebook a little too often. Lisa strives daily to become more Christ-like. She is reminded often of the Lord's mercy and grace and is thankful that He is so gracious to extend to her on a much needed basis. She lives in Maine on her own piece of "no-where land" with her family.

Love Languages

My silly family

Love Languages. We all have them. It's the way we perceive love. Even children have tangible ways they feel love from those around them. It's not just saying "I love you" either. It's in the actions and words that we say. 

Gary Chapman wrote a book on this subject called The 5 Love Languages. It was originally penned for couples to help them in relationships. He has since gone on to write similar books about love languages in children, teens, singles, and even military personnel. 

The five love languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation - those people who have this as a love language need words to affirm that love. Things such as, "Great job!" or even "I really appreciate you."
2. Acts of Service - for people who have this love language, it's all about action to back up the love. Making your spouse a lunch to take to work, doing your child's laundry, or cleaning up the living room are just a few examples.
3. Receiving Gifts - gifts - large or small - are how people with this love language respond. And it doesn't have to be a huge gift or even an expensive gift. Sometimes it can be as small as a pack of chewing gum or even a homemade card.
4. Quality Time - the person who has this love language just wants to spend time with you and have your undivided attention. It doesn't matter if you take your child on errands or sit in the same room without talking while watching a movie with your spouse - spending time together is all that matters.
5. Physical Touch - this is pretty self-explanatory. Holding hands, a touch on the arm in passing, a hug and, if you're married, well, yes, that too.

Why are love languages so important? Simply because everyone has a different one. I'm sure you love your spouse or your children or even your parents. If you have a significant relationship in your life, you have someone else you interact with on a level that would benefit from knowing their love language. 

There is a very quick test you can take on the Love Languages website that helps you to determine what your language may be. They have a test you can take for yourself (they will ask if you are in a relationship or single). There is also one for children of various ages and even teens. The test just simply gives you a number of statements grouped in twos. You pick the one that you most relate to. At the end, it will rank your love languages for you. The results can also be emailed to you at the end and they give a much more detailed explanation of what they mean as well as what to do with those results. 

This afternoon I retook the test for myself although I have done so in the past and nothing had changed. My love languages are Words of Affirmation (10) and Acts of Service (9). This means I feel most loved through words and action. I'm complicated that way I guess. Not only do I like to hear the words "I love you" or "Great job!" I also want to have help in doing the day-to-day tasks or getting my "to do" list completed. 

My youngest son

I also had my 10 year-old son take the test. It wasn't surprising to me that he scored highest in Quality Time. He has always been my little shadow. It is a rare occasion for him to opt to stay home with his brothers when I head out to run errands. He also loves to just sit and cuddle on the couch while we watch a movie or TV show. He really doesn't care what we are doing as long as we are doing it together. 

I do have two teenager boys as well at home.  I had the ability to send them both an invitation to take the test so I did that rather than do the test with them. I'm interested to see what they get for results. I know it will help me grow our relationships.

I highly recommend everyone taking a few minutes to find out what their love language is as well as anyone else that they interact with on a daily basis. It doesn't take long but can help improve the way you relate to each other. That's always worth the time.

Lisa is a wife to Bob. They just began their 21st year of marriage. She is also a mom to three boys (ironic, no?). Her oldest will soon be 18 but still has one more year at home. Her middle son is 13 and her youngest is 10. She also stays busy by homeschooling her children and watching a two-year old (a boy of course) full-time as well as other assorted children as the need arises for family and friends. She is very active in her local and state homeschooling community. She is also a very avid reader, enjoys writing, loves dancing at Zumba class, and checking Facebook a little too often. Lisa strives daily to become more Christ-like. She is reminded often of the Lord's mercy and grace and is thankful that He is so gracious to extend to her on a much needed basis. She lives in Maine on her own piece of "no-where land" with her family.

Mothers and Daughters (in-laws)

The Berry Family 2014

with all the inlaws and outlaws included.

When you are standing at the alter and say "I do," not only are you gaining a spouse, but you are gaining an entirely new family as well. This can be a daunting prospect depending on how your own family dynamics were growing up. 

Let me preface this entire thing by saying that I have been truly blessed by my in-laws. They accepted me without question and we have had a pretty smooth relationship over the last 21 years. I know exactly how blessed I am for this. I've heard all the mother-in-law jokes and listened as my friends shared their horror stories of in-laws who made their lives as seemingly miserable as they possibly could.

Until two years ago I lived directly across the driveway from my in-laws for eight years. Included on our little compound was my husband's grandparents. I used to jokingly call it the "Berry Commune." We lived on 100 acres and respected boundaries - literally and figuratively. My children spent many of their formative years there. My youngest was only eight months old when we moved on to the property. He was eight years old when we left. It was our own little piece of heaven. One of the hardest decisions we made was to move an hour away from our extended family for my husband's work. The mitigating factor that had us really thinking hard if it would be a good move or not was the fact that we would be moving so far away from family.

The relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law has been fraught with strife from the beginning of time I'm sure. I won't go in to all the reasons for it as that would simply take far too much time for me to write or you to read. However, I will share some ideas on how to make it work from the perspective of one day being a mother-in-law.

I'm going to keep it very simple...if you had a mother-in-law who treated you poorly, do the exact opposite of whatever she did. If she was constantly giving an opinion when one wasn't asked for, resolve to not do that. If she dropped in to check up on things seemingly all the time and without notice, schedule your visits. If she offered unsolicited advice on how to raise her grandchildren, make every effort to only offer advice when asked. 

I'm praying that when the day arrives, I can eagerly welcome a daughter in to my life. I hope that you are praying for the future spouse of your child. Remember that as much as you love your child, God loves them more and has a wonderful plan in store for them. Our job as parents is to help guide them on that path but we can't force them to take the road we think they should. We need to step back and allow God to work in their lives. His plans are far better than anything we could have ever imagined.

Thankfully I have had two great examples to follow, my own mother as well as my mother-in-law. I know for a fact that there were times my mother did not approve of someone one of her children was dating (including myself). However, she held her tongue and prayed - a lot I'm sure! She allowed us to come to that realization ourselves (thankfully I did before I ever said I do!) and I'm sure she thanked God profusely. I'm also sure that there have been times when my mother-in-law wanted to give an opinion about something that was happening in our young lives when her son and I were first married but she didn't. We have a great relationship and I'm so very thankful.

If you have not been blessed enough to have someone to look to as an example, either your own mother or your own mother-in-law, look for another example. Resolve to be different. Resolve to follow God's instruction on how we should act with one another.

If we follow God's lead on our relationship with our married children, it's more apt to be easier. I'm not saying it will be easier, but I'm saying it can be easier. Remember, we are called to love everyone - even difficult in-laws. 

Lisa is a wife to Bob. They just began their 21st year of marriage. She is also a mom to three boys (ironic, no?). Her oldest will soon be 18 but still has one more year at home. Her middle son is 13 and her youngest is 10. She also stays busy by homeschooling her children and watching a two-year old (a boy of course) full-time as well as other assorted children as the need arises for family and friends. She is very active in her local and state homeschooling community. She is also a very avid reader, enjoys writing, loves dancing at Zumba class, and checking Facebook a little too often. Lisa strives daily to become more Christ-like. She is reminded often of the Lord's mercy and grace and is thankful that He is so gracious to extend to her on a much needed basis. She lives in Maine on her own piece of "no-where land" with her family.

Respect and Love

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Men and women are wired very differently. I think we can all agree to that statement with a very hearty, "Amen!" However, did you know that some of the most fundamental differences can affect your entire relationship and how you interact with each other? 

Respect and Love

Emerson Eggerichs has actually written a book on this subject called Love & Respect. He shares these statistics on his website. Seven thousand people were asked "When you are in conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected?" The answer? Men almost always answered "disrespected" (83%) and women typically answered "unloved" (72%). 

So how does that information pertain to how we interact with our spouses? I will often hear wives say, "well, he needs to earn my respect." Quite frankly, no, he does not. Ladies, we are called to respect our husband according to God's word. Our men are called to love us as well. These two things are not mutually dependent, however. We must respect them no matter what. They must love us no matter what. No one ever said that it would be easy to do either.

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to 

love his own wife even as himself, 

and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. 

~Ephesians 5:33 (NASB)

Now I know it is not always easy to respect your husband, but if we are being completely honest, I'm sure it's not always easy for them to love us either. Marriage takes a huge investment on our part. Sometimes that investment is easy and sometimes that investment is downright hard. 

One of the biggest hurdles I've found in my own marriage is expectations. It seems innocuous enough doesn't it. However, if I have these great expectations for how I want my husband to act and he falls short, then what? I can become moody or angry. After all, most men know that when he asks his wife how she is and the answer is, "Fine!" things are so not okay.

Don't look to television, books, or movies to define what love should look like. Remember that is not reality, they are characters created from someone's imagination, and they have multiple chances to get it just right. If you look to these unrealistic characters to tell you how your spouse should act, your spouse will always fall short. 

I'm not saying you can't have expectations for your husband. But does he even know what they are? Have you told him outright what you'd like or need? Do not make him guess. He is not a mind-reader. Men are very black and white. Tell him point blank what it is and why you need it. It could be something as simply as, "When you are home, I need you to interact more with the kids. I know you are tired after a long day of work, but I'm tired as well. I could use some help getting supper ready and the kids bathed. If I cook, can you clean up and read bedtime stories?" One other helpful word of advice, do not come across as angry or annoyed while asking. Tone of voice and body language can sometimes say way more than our words.

Let me say this very clearly. If you are in an abusive relationship, I am not telling you that you must stay and respect your husband. Make sure you are safe. I don't want anyone to think I am advocating for staying with a man who does not know how to truly love his wife. Abuse is not love.

Image courtesy of niamwhan at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

However, for those of us in a safe relationship, respect your husband. Always. What does that look like? 

• Don't complain about him either to his face, to your friends, or anyone else for that matter.
• Find out what his love language is and use it to show him how much you love him. You can take an online quiz to figure this out if it's not something you've heard of before.
• Tell him how much you appreciate him. Does he work hard to provide? Thank him. Does he spend time with the kids? Thank him. Let him know you appreciate his efforts.
• Let him "overhear" you tell someone else something you like and appreciate about him. Praise him in public.
• Tell your children how much you appreciate all the things their father does for the family.
• Here's a link to a great blog with 25 more ways to show respect. 

Marriage is never easy - even if you know someone who seems to make it look so. It is a serious commitment to each other to make it work. But at the heart of it are the two words I mentioned at the beginning - respect and love. Without one or the other, marriage will simply fail. So wives, I'm calling you to respect your husbands, even when it's hard. And husbands, I'm calling you to love your wives, even when it's hard. We were never promised an easy marriage when we said "I do" and the best things are the ones we work the hardest for.

Lisa is a wife to Bob. They just began their 21st year of marriage. She is also a mom to three boys (ironic, no?). Her oldest will soon be 18 but still has one more year at home. Her middle son is 13 and her youngest is 10. She also stays busy by homeschooling her children and watching a two-year old (a boy of course) full-time as well as other assorted children as the need arises for family and friends. She is very active in her local and state homeschooling community. She is also a very avid reader, enjoys writing, loves dancing at Zumba class, and checking Facebook a little too often. Lisa strives daily to become more Christ-like. She is reminded often of the Lord's mercy and grace and is thankful that He is so gracious to extend to her on a much needed basis. She lives in Maine on her own piece of "no-where land" with her family.

Let Them Be Boys

My husband and two younger boys, ages 10 and 13, just returned from a week long canoe/kayak trip in the Allagash Wilderness Waterway. This is a very remote part of Maine near the Canadian border. No towns. No paved roads. No cell service. Just lots and lots of moose and other wildlife. It's the perfect place to just be a boy.

I have to admit that I was very nervous about my family going off to the wild wilderness with no way to contact them. I have every confidence in my "Eagle-Scout-always-be-prepared" hubby and knew that he would make sure the kids were safe. However, I knew it would be "dad-safe" which is vastly different from "mom-safe."

We moms tend to want to be sure our kiddos are safe from everything we can possibly prevent. However, I have learned over the last 18 years of being a mom to boys that sometimes I have to look the other way and simply trust. I have to trust that they will be okay. I have to trust that my husband, who was once a boy himself, knows what boys need to do to grow up to be confident men. I also have to trust that God will keep them safe. After all, He loves them far more than I ever could.

My crew arrived home on Saturday evening and the stories began to fly. I knew that this would be a lasting memory for my boys. I knew that they would have "remember when" stories to tell for a long time. I also knew it was a very good thing I learned of all the stories after it was all said and done.

That moose above? He showed up on the beach one morning, bright and early, while my middle son was fishing. He was sitting on the beach trying to get his lure on just right when he looked up and saw the huge beast a mere 15 feet away. If you've never seen a moose in person, they are big with a capital B! This one was roughly 900+ pounds. A very big moose!

Thankfully it was before "the rut" or mating season and he was pretty docile. Had it been a few weeks later, things might have turned out very different. Moose get very aggressive when they are searching for a mate. He checked my boy over and then headed in to the water to eat some tasty grass. My poor kiddo was shaking with the adrenaline rush. All the adults were ready to come to his rescue as soon as they realized what was happening.

James, which is what they named the moose, stuck around most of that day and the next and even kindly posed for some photo ops.

My youngest and his best friend with "James" in the background. 

The boy fun didn't stop there though. They came across a swimming area with ledges on one of the last days they were there. Maine has a lot of bedrock so swimming areas like this are fairly common. The adults made sure the water was deep (more than 20 feet I was told) and that the kids would be fine. They all started to jump off. 

My youngest son jumping for all he is worth.

I know that as a Mom, I would have been second guessing this decision the whole time. I sometimes get in the way of my boys exploring and experiencing life in such a way that they will grow in to the men they need to be - adventurous, brave, and self-confident.

Some of the best advice I ever received as a new mom was this -

"Do not ask your husband to help with the baby 

and then criticize his efforts." 

This doesn't just count for infants. It pertains no matter how old the child may be. Unless your child is in immediate danger from whatever is being done, bite your tongue. Let your husband figure it out. Yes, there will be days when they have cereal for supper or even ice-cream (we actually did that last night!). There will be days when they will have mismatched clothes that are also dirty. There will even be days when they stay up too late, eat too much sugar, and are still bouncing off the walls at midnight. You need to trust your husband though. If you are constantly second guessing him or telling him how to do things, he will stop helping all together.

My youngest son in blue. His friend is in orange. 

Boys love to climb on things. When they came across these abandoned train engines in the woods they did what all boys must do. Climb. As my hubby told me, "they were all over them." Again, this is a time when, as boys, they need to explore. They need to test their abilities. They need to see what their limits are. As moms, we sometimes hinder this exploration. Even now I sometimes struggle with it. I keep learning, though, that they need this. It is what boys are made of and we simply need to let them be boys. 

Lisa is a wife to Bob. They just began their 21st year of marriage. She is also a mom to three boys (ironic, no?). Her oldest will soon be 18 but still has one more year at home. Her middle son is 13 and her youngest is 10. She also stays busy by homeschooling her children and watching a two-year old (a boy of course) full-time as well as other assorted children as the need arises for family and friends. She is very active in her local and state homeschooling community. She is also a very avid reader, enjoys writing, loves dancing at Zumba class, and checking Facebook a little too often. Lisa strives daily to become more Christ-like. She is reminded often of the Lord's mercy and grace and is thankful that He is so gracious to extend to her on a much needed basis. She lives in Maine on her own piece of "no-where land" with her family.

Loving Your Children When They Are The Least Lovable

‘Loving’ our children is what is meant to come naturally for mothers. It's up there with 'protecting' and 'guiding'. And for most of us, most of the time, it does come naturally. We rarely need reminding to love our children. The love relationship usually establishes itself in the first few hours of birth, if not before, and, with few exceptions, it develops and continues throughout our children’s lives.

This is not to say that there aren’t times for every mother when our children seem practically unlovable. I can think of many occasions when I didn’t really like my children very much. These occasions didn’t last too long, but they could be quite upsetting when they happened.

Once, late one evening when my husband Jamie was out working, my colicky baby was screaming and inconsolable and I was exhausted, leaky and frustrated, I remember feeling terrified that perhaps I didn’t really love my baby. The truth was just that my baby wasn’t being particularly lovable at the time! Another time, when one of my children deliberately lied to me for the first time, their sin was ugly and made them unlovable and I was shocked at my negative feelings towards them.

Miserable, tantrummy toddlers; angry, authority-shrugging teenagers - yes - I admit to having all those experiences. It would have been easy to have stopped loving my children during those episodes (and some were longer than momentary, sadly) had I not realised, early on in my mothering career, a couple of important truths.

The first was a well-known aphorism:
‘When your child is at their most unlovable is when they need your love the most.’

If you’ve not read it before, and I take no credit for it, re-read it. When your 3 year old is screaming in the back of the car to get out and play and you need to pick up your sick husband from work, you may not feel much love for them, but that's when they need your love the most.

To actively love them as a choice can be difficult. It may mean breathing calmly and gently repeating, why you can’t do what they want. It may mean enfolding an angry selfish child in a loving embrace and praying quietly for them. It may mean walking away from a disobedient teenager until you can speak respectfully to them again. It WILL mean active love, by choice.

By the way, I am NOT a perfect mother, and so I frequently failed to respond perfectly but, after a brief time, I drew from my well of love for these children and forced myself to respond in as loving a manner as I could.

The second idea which helped me immensely was that of remembering how God parents us. God doesn’t expect ‘first-time obedience’ or  joyful, grateful, sinless behaviour from us. He expects us to sin. He knows we will do what’s wrong, often, but, because He’s our Father, He chooses to love us in our ugly unlovability. He is ready to forgive, compassionate and gracious, long-suffering, patient and kind.

That has to be our pattern for parenthood, doesn’t it?

I would always ask myself, when my child became 'unlovable', 
'Am I perfect yet?'
'Have I stopped sinning?'
'Have I learned not to do wrong yet?'
'Has my Father stopped forgiving me?'
If these things are not true of me, an adult, then why would I expect such an unreasonable standard from my children?

These thoughts helped me to keep loving my children through the tough times. I hope, Dear Daughter, that they might seep into your consciousness, the next time you feel giving in to a loveless response, and help you to love them more.

 

Relationships: Forsaking is Protecting

Courtesy of Leland Francisco

Do you recall your wedding vows?  Close your eyes and think of your beloved's face as you promised:

"I,______________, do solemnly promise to take, _________________, in holy matrimony.  I promise to love, comfort, honor and keep him for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do we part.  I will forsake all others, being faithful to him as long as we both shall live, so help me God."

When I made my promise, I remember vowing to forsake all others and thinking that it referred to sexual fidelity.  As I grew in my marriage, I realized that while sexual fidelity is of great importance, general fidelity is equally essential.

Let's look at a couple of definitions:

FIDEL'ITY, n. [L. fidelitas, from fides, faith, fido, to trust. See Faith.]
1. Faithfulness; careful and exact observance of duty, or performance of obligations. We expect fidelity in a public minister, in an agent or trustee, in a domestic servant, in a friend.
The best security for the fidelity of men, is to make interest coincide with duty.
2. Firm adherence to a person or party with which one is united, or to which one is bound; loyalty; as the fidelity of subjects to their king or government; the fidelity of a tenant or liege to his lord.
3. Observance of the marriage covenant; as the fidelity of a husband or wife.
4. Honesty; veracity; adherence to truth; as the fidelity of a witness.~Websters 1828 Dictionary

The enemy is rather cunning.  You will find, dear daughter, that potential intruders in a marriage can be a best friend, a volunteer opportunity, a job offer, a church event, or another man.  It is anything or anyone, that requires you to place your marriage in a lower priority than it deserves. Most of these things, all by themselves are good things, but we must ask ourselves:

How does this interest, event, opportunity or person coincide with my duty as a wife?

How might these things challenge my marriage?

Am I being loyal to my husband in this decision, in this friendship, in this opportunity?

Do I believe this is God's best for us? 

What is my motivation in this situation?

What does my husband think?

Am I being honest with myself and my husband?

Synonyms for infidelity include disloyalty, faithlessness, falseness, inconstancy, and unbelief.  

Antonyms for infidelity include loyalty, faithfulness, truth, constancy, allegiance and belief.

So what does it mean to forsake all others?

FORSA'KE, verb transitive preterit tense forsook; participle passive forsaken.
1. To quit or leave entirely; to desert; to abandon; to depart from. Friends and flatterers forsake us in adversity.
Forsake the foolish, and live. Proverbs 9:6.
2. To abandon; to renounce; to reject.
If his children forsake my law, and walk not in my judgments - Psalms 89:30.
Cease from anger, and forsake wrath. Psalms 37:8.
3. To leave; to withdraw from; to fail. In anger, the color forsakes the cheeks. In severe trials, let not fortitude forsake you.
4. In scripture, God forsakes his people, when he withdraws his aid, or the light of his countenance. ~Websters 1828 Dictionary

Synonyms for forsake include renounce, relinquish, leave, disown.

Antonyms for forsake include allow, approve, continue, keep, hold, revert.

To forsake those that may intrude in your marriage is to say, "no."  It is a boundary that helps you protect your union - your oneness.  The act of forsaking is difficult.  It is hard work to say, "no." It requires self-discipline and most certainly self-sacrifice.  Like Christ, we must be willing to lay down our lives for the good of another. 

Marital love requires a high degree of commitment, time, and emotional safety in order to grow and thrive as God designed. Daughter, are you building and maintaining that high degree of safety in your marriage by observing boundaries?  Are you asking yourself the hard questions?  Are you forsaking all others?   

Young friend, start today.  It is never too late.  Look to the Lord Jesus to show you the road to faithfulness.

“And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy.  I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." ~Hosea 2:17-20

Blessings,

Yvonne Ferlita has been married for nearly twenty-five years and is mother to four children ages 22, 20, 16 and 11 years old. She is a follower of Jesus and gratefully relies on His grace. Having overcome perfectionism, she has embraced the imperfect excellence found in the ordinary life God has given her. Yvonne has homeschooled her children since 1998 and has helped them enjoy their unique gifts, while overcoming various learning and life challenges. Her therapy is writing, crocheting, swimming and laughing. She and her family reside in Brandon, Florida surrounded by four orphaned cats and a lovely, but bossy, labrador retriever. She blogs to encourage at Not Perfect - Just Ordinary.

Making Memories across the miles

Family is special and important. We try hard to keep in contact with grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. But, it is not always easy when family lives far away. When my children were very young, Jacob wasn't even born yet, my parents moved 900 miles away. But we wanted the kids to know them and have a relationship with them. So, we got creative. Besides letter and special packages (They were always sealed with a label that said "Somebody in Texas loves you." which led to my parents being nick named Grandma and Grandpa Texas.) we also made use of the telephone. We had unlimited minutes on our cell phones after certain hours, so the grandparents could call and read books to the kids over the phone. As you can see from the page I scanned from Jacob's scrapbook, his grandpa often read Hank the Cowdog  to him. If we could, we would have a copy of the books for the kids to read along with. This was a very special time for the kids and  their grandparents and a wonderful way to bond across the miles.

Now we have skype and facetime and lots of nice and easy ways to see each other across the miles. If you have family that is not close, find time to connect in some way so that your family can seem closed even if they are not.

My parents now live 5 miles away but the bond they built with my kids was already there from the time we took to build a relationship when they were far away.

Jen

Relationships: Sacrificial Love

Little girls often dream of marriage. They imagine their own knight in shining armor galloping into their lives to whisk them away to the land of Happily Ever After. In these youthful fantasies they disregard any notion of trouble or tension, believing that fairy tale, romantic love will catapult them over any dark or dreary detail. Many times, we girls treasure that delicious picture up in our hearts, and fail to allow our inner selves the freedom to grow up into the reality of adulthood. The fairy tale becomes our own secret idol.

Daughter, I encourage you to cast off the idol. It will only serve to discourage you.  Marriage is a blessed union. It is a gift from the Lord in so many ways, but that does not mean that it is an effortless fairytale. Your prince is a sinner, and so are you. Building a stable and happy marriage is hard work, but the fruit of that hard work is worth every moment of sweat and labor!

In marriage, our ministry to our spouses is love. Romantic love does come into play, of course, but the kind of love I am speaking about is sacrificial, or agape love.

Agape love is defined here as:

"Unconditional love that is always giving and impossible to take or be a taker. It devotes total commitment to seek your highest best no matter how anyone may respond. This form of love is totally selfless and does not change whether the love given is returned or not."

^{Needless to say, agape love does not come naturally, nor can we muster it up on our own. In order to walk out life with sacrificial love, we wives must be surrendered to Jesus. Sacrificial love grows in direct relation to the trust that is developed within the depth and breadth of our relationship with Christ. We cannot sustain a sacrificial love if we have not actively participated in the gospel - the sacrificial love of Jesus, each and every day. So daughter, read the Word of God and speak the truth to yourself everyday. Ponder the richness of His love for you. Romans 5:8 says, “...but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” How might we let this truth fuel our love for our husbands?}

^{Read 1 Corinthians 13, below, replacing the word love with “Sacrificial love.”}

^{“If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.}

4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part; 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13 But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love."

See that last sentence, verse 13? 

^{Faith – in Christ.}

^{Hope – eternal. One day there will be no tears, no pain, no sin. We will be fully renewed!}

^{Love – sacrificially, like Jesus.}

^{Abide in these.}

^{Faith in Jesus and hope for an eternal future with Him helps us love sacrificially. We can be patient when our husbands don't resemble the knight of our dreams. We can create boundaries with sacrificial love, doing what is best for our marriages, rather than what is easier for ourselves. The love of Christ is the foundation of all hope and faith and it is the secret to successful marriages.}

Grateful for grace,

Yvonne Ferlita has been married for nearly twenty-five years and is mother to four children ages 22, 20, 16 and 11 years old. She is a follower of Jesus and gratefully relies on His grace. Having overcome perfectionism, she has embraced the imperfect excellence found in the ordinary life God has given her. Yvonne has homeschooled her children since 1998 and has helped them enjoy their unique gifts, while overcoming various learning and life challenges. Her therapy is writing, crocheting, swimming and laughing. She and her family reside in Brandon, Florida surrounded by four orphaned cats and a lovely, but bossy, labrador retriever. She blogs to encourage at Not Perfect - Just Ordinary.

Cherish

About 6 weeks after my first daughter was born my husband and I took her on her first outing to the grocery store. This was mostly because I'd had a c-section and desperately needed to get out of the house. As we were walking through the store an elderly woman stopped us to admire the baby. I'll never forget, all these years later, what she said to us. "Cherish every moment. The next thing you know you'll be sending her off to college." We laughed and went on our way.

When that same daughter was seven years old, she started piano lessons with a lovely older woman from our church. That woman became something of a mentor to me, in a rather unintentional way. However, she continually reminded me that were no "do-overs" in parenting. Looking back, I never took that to mean there is no grace. Kids are very forgiving, so don't take this to mean if you make a single mistake, you've blown it forever. No, what it means is this: each day is a gift that you can't get back. 

These two seemingly small pieces of advice, plus countless books and of course, a parenting course or two which helped me see my role from a biblical perspective, shaped the way I raised my girls over the years. There are so many things I want to remind you of, dear daughter.

When  the baby wakes you at 2am for another feeding and you are the only one who can do it because you are committed to nursing that newborn, try so hard not to resent getting up in the middle of the night with that little one yet again, even though you thought you had her sleeping through the night two weeks ago. Cherish that alone time with her. Kiss her little head while she nurses, sing lullabies to her, (she doesn't care if you can't sing!), rock her and pray over her. You will cherish those moments, I promise you will!

When you are trying to potty train your toddler and it seems like no matter what you do, he'll end up going to kindergarten in diapers, try not to get exasperated with him. Sit with him and read him a book, let him have that M&M for going in the potty, or at least for trying. Let him pick out the Superman underwear, even though the reward of wearing them seems eons away. You will cherish those moments someday, or at least they'll give you something to look back on and laugh about together.

When you are so sick of stepping on the stray Lego in the middle of the night, finding a Barbie shoe under the couch when you're cleaning, when your daughter spills purple paint all over the brand new carpet (oh, yes, she did!) try not to lose your cool. Try to remember that someday there won't be toys in your home, except maybe the electronic kind. Try to remember that someday there won't be paint to spill because there won't be kids around to paint you pictures you can't recognize, but you love them anyway. And cherish the moment that you pick up the Lego (after you recover from the pain of thinking someone is surely trying to kill you!).

Today I rode my bike by the community pool. While it's not the same pool where I spent countless hours with my girls, I wished for those days back. Frantically packing up sunscreen, beach towels, combs and ponytail holders for long hair, snacks, water bottles. Where's the right flip-flop? I can only find the left one. And the swim diapers for the baby and, when they were a little bit older, a book for myself. Reprimanding them to stay behind the black line painted on the bottom of the pool because that was the "deep end." Clapping when they went off the diving board for the first time, catching them at the bottom of the slide. And I miss those days so much it makes me cry. I mean really, really cry!

My girls are 23, 20 and 18 now. The oldest is married! Married!! When I think back to the days lying out at the community pool, I can hardly believe that little daredevil who scared everyone with her tree-climbing ways is a wife now.  And the one who I had so much trouble potty-training is in college with an amazing future ahead of her. And the one who had so much trouble learning to read sings like an angel and is getting ready to go off to the far ends of the earth to learn to be a worship leader.

Cherish each moment, dear daughter. Don't despise a single season of parenting. They really will be in college before you know it. And it's true, there are no "do-overs" in parenting.

Laura